| ♥ |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|07:29 pm] |
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| weird pain |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|03:57 pm] |
I'm feeling a weird pain above my left eye. I'm dizzy too. I'm thinking I should probably get off the computer...but I still have homework to do on this damn machine! I'm really happy and energetic today. I love it ♥ I love pretending I'm someone else...it's sooo much fun sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also love pretending someone else is always with me. It makes the loneliness go away. I think I never really grew up. I prented more than my little sister does! Hehe :-)
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| Clown |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|05:13 pm] |
I am reading The Clown, by Heinrich Boll right now. It's really interesting.
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| Me?? |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|02:55 pm] |
Wow. I was looking through my poetry folder on the computer, because I wanted to print out a few of my recent poems for my friend Mahogany. I looked at a few titles, and didn't really remember them, so I read the poem. Oh my God!!! Did I really write this stuff?? I couldn't believe myself when I read this one particular poem. I mean, I don't even remember writing it. It seems like something that I read in a book a long, long time ago, and vaguely remember just a few words...
BLUE SKY WAITING April 23rd, 2004 by Franziska B.
Poems,
tangled up in the heartbeat of the moment
The ticking of the clock echoes the pouring rain
Branches of trees,
Laden heavy with drenched flowers
Clouds nestled in between people,
Like cold walls that divide us into segments
Hands,
catching the rain like diamonds on a girl’s hand
The tapping of fingers on a blade of grass
Deep crevasses in your palm,
Time and memories etched with age
The power of touch,
Like everlasting breaths in the Alaskan morning
Notes,
spinning through the discolored abyss
Descending into a musical spiral of white waves
The ringing luminescence,
Exploding into a million sunbursts
Sounds tangled up in poems,
Like the golden mountains reaching up to the blue sky. |
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| Hilarious!! |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|01:42 pm] |
I thought this was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|11:30 am] |
I want to be her...or at least be her friend or something. She is such an amazing woman, looks wise, and character wise. I love her. She reminds me of Laura, but she is a little more hyper active. Hehe :-)
I love how even when she's being serious, she still has this wonderful little smile hiding behind her cheeks.
♥ ♥ |
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| The Scarlet Letter |
[Sep. 25th, 2004|02:34 pm] |
I just wrote this poem. It was inspired by The Scarlet Letter, which we're currently studying in Lit. class. I'm not too sure about this poem, so if anyone has any comments, please feel free to tell me anything you want.
Paint Me Scarlet by Franziska B.
Fall creeps around the alleyway
Smells of rotting leaves and ash
Make the day half of what it used to be
Days go dark
The last minute sun turning your cheek pink
Running to your garden
With his stolen heart in your hand
Look down at your feet
Make love to your own sin
Again and again
Never holding on long enough
To that white rose from your garden
Pin their eyes to your breast
Their laughter turning the eyes of ravens
You try so hard to erase
The mark he left on your lips
Wash your feet in a basin of water
Feeling the cold
Against the burn of blood
Take out your brush and white paper
Your smells of rotting leaves and ash
Mingle with the scarlet paint.
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| Sundays |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|12:15 pm] |
I hate how on Sundays the mail doesn't come...
I hate how on Sundays the streets in my town are empty...
I hate how on Sundays my family leaves the house early in the morning, I have no idea where they are when I get up...
I hate how on Sundays all I can think about is school...
I hate how on Sundays it's usually grey and cold outside...
I hate how on Sundays I feel so lonely...
Last night my mom and I were talking about how much I miss Tyler. It's funny, cause I play like I don't care at all, and when I talk about him it just seems like I'm just being a little rude or stuck up or something. But really inside I'm just dying to talk to him again, the way him and I used to talk. I know that probably will never happen again though. For some reason he changed sooo much since we went back packing together. My mom said, "They can change really fast, like little kids, from one month to another". Then I said, "Guys suck!!"
I watched The Scarlet Letter last night, and it totally reminded me of how Tyler and I used to be. It made me sooo sad :(
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| What do ya know!! |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|10:57 am] |
What do ya know! I wrote another poem last night!!! I just meant to write my mommmy a good night note, but it ended up turning into a poem. I love it. I asked my mom to title it. She titled it Don't Leave, but then I wanted something next to that, so I put the Milk and Coffee part in parenthesis.
Don't Leave (Milk and Coffee) By Franziska B.
Flowers on the table
Along with pure white milk
The cinnamon of your breath
Intoxicating the angels in your arms
Layers of apple cakes and crayon drawings,
Revive your existance
I'm fighting for my mind
Between stuffed bears and plastic soldiers
Always reading between the lines
Needing third explinations
I embroider my thread deep
In the center of your quilt
And with shiny stars
I sing to her across the sea
Dying to know her eyes again
Glue me to your ears
Like the feathers on your painting
You are my constant state of mind
Kissing tulips on spring days
Mopping up spilled remains
Of yesterdays sorrows
Seasoning today with smiles in your tea
Gliding swiftly through the motions
As I try endlessly to wash
The sins off the dishes in the sink
Foaming, glittering works of auspiciousness
Flitter across the little black numbers on the page
Ten o'clock,
Too late to play
Fly away above layers of apple cakes
My coffee sits steaming on the table
Waiting for milk. |
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| Sometimes I cry |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|06:32 pm] |
Sometimes, when things get too overwhelming, I find that I can't breath.
Sometimes, when I look at myself I start to cry.
And sometimes when I think too much, I have a desire to write it all down, but I can't seem to get it out.
Sometimes there is too much music in my head.
Sometimes I just want to quit!
Why does there seem to be wall between me and the world?? Why is it that I have no desire to do the things that I love to do? Why is it, that I am so passionately in love with the stars? Why is it that I feel so lonely when I know so many people love me?? Why can't I ever get anything across to people? Why won't anyone just hold me???
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| Another one |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|04:11 pm] |
I had a very vivid dream about Interlochen and the people there. It was amazing. I was inspired by it, so I wrote another poem.
Playing with Words (Interlochen)by Franziska
Blank mind
Talking in the distance
Black shoes walk along the corridor
As she lays her head back
The dismals of last night fill her head
But her mind is still blank
Pry your eyes away from her stomach
Her fullness and content
Creeping through the pores in your skin
Scream out in agony
As your mind turns blank
Sit down and light up your eyes
Taking a drag of your existence
Blow the smoke into my mouth
Make me go to sleep
Threads of hair
Cutting the horizontal light
Dreams of Michigan forests and midnight hikes
Endless music corrects my speech
And scratches the turquoise sleep from my face
Murmuring buttons on his shirt
Pull your face taught against the mirror
Fill in the blanks of your script
While I stray away
To a lake surrounded by trees
Which I have only met when covered in ice.
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| New poem |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|03:55 pm] |
I just wrote a poem like two minutes ago. I wasn't even thinking, I just wrote it. It poured out of me.
Thief by Franziska B.
Chocolates melting at the bottom of my cup
Make my hands shake
You sleepy boy with the turned up collar
Trying to hide in front of the green wall
Sew me a coat with cobwebs
So I can drape it over my bones
Blue haired princess in a castle full of mirrors
Stumbles into herself a thousand times
Gets caught up in life’s pink hair
Blow a kiss across the room
As he helps himself to stolen time
Listen to my foot steps along the keyboard
Sharp objects fly out from underneath the tables
Cutting into my sleeves and tangled limbs
Orange room with stars
The comedian laughs at his self-inflicted harmonies
After crystals broken in my palm
I slink back to the ghetto of my brain
Getting perpetually beaten
By words which have no end
On top of open wounds
Fake blond hair and pink lips
Crowning you the queen of clowns
You pull a rib
Out of your stick like torso
Let it fall and shatter on the ground
You hear my music inside your head
Yet my ears go numb
Sit with me and cry
About the thief who stole our time |
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| ♥ |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|09:00 pm] |
I feel sick. Inside and out. I feel really, really gross. I want to purge my mind of weird thoughts that just sound like dying poems.
I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. I'm scared of starting this school year. I'm scared of what I can do to myself. I'm REALLY, REALLY scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
Scared and lonely. I never thought it'd be so shitty without a best friend. Tyler called me today, but all he could talk about was this girl who supposedly likes him. So I hung up, because my ears went numb. It always feels like my ears go numb when he talks about things I don't want to hear. I shut his words out, when somehow they do get in, and I can feeling them burning me inside. Hanging up feels sooo good.
I made dinner again tonight for my family. I'm obsessed with cooking. I like cooking a large variety, so tonight I decided to cook American. Out of all the things I've ever cooked, I think this was surprisingly the hardest. I made french fries, and the oil kept splattering on my hands, and now my hands are completely bruned on the top. The fries took really long. Then I made burgers, and was sooo disgusted, I nearly puked. After making everything perfect, setting cut tomatoes, cut pickles and lettuce and guacamole on the table, I went and took a shower because I felt so dirty! I never eat the food I cook. My mom complained, and said that the burgers taste better at Burger King. That made me really sad :( This whole dinner cooking affair took nearly two 1/2 hours! :(
I have to go to bed now, if I ever want to be able to get up at 6:30am. Now WHY am I going to school again?? I just don't really see a point...
I can feel another song or poem coming on.
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| Realization |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|01:34 pm] |
Have you ever gone like YEARS without realizing something?? Then once you realize it, you just fall apart, because you've spent years seeing it only that one way. That happened to me last night. I was writing in my journal about Tyler, and I realized that I've spent years saying that he's my best friend. He is MY best friend, but that favor isn't returned. Tyler has never said that I am his best friend. I'm not even sure what I am to Tyler. I think I'm just a friend...or worse, a friend with benefits! Tyler has said a few times though, that his exchange student Anna is his best friend. So while I was writing about that in my journal, I fell apart. I started crying, because I painted this pretty picture in my head, and then someone came by and spray-painted it over with black! :( But hey- it produced a good song. My first song in 11 months!! I worked on it all morning.
JEANS by Franziska B.
I'm like a pair of your old favorite jeans
The pair you wait 10 years to throw away
There's a hole in your pocket
And paint stains on the knee
Chorus:
I can't make the sun shine brighter
And I can't pull on the grass to make it grow
I can't stop the rain from pouring down
And I can't make you love me,
The way I want you to
I wish I could pick up all the fallen fruit
And bake all day in the kitchen
But I've got no baskets
And no fire on my stove
My sky turns grey
My hands are always cold
My ears go numb
My voice is sold
Chorus:
I can't make the mountains taller
And I can't make it snow
I can't stop the rivers from flowing
And I can't make you love me,
The way I want you to
Last night the stars weren't there to console me
And I took off my favorite pair of jeans
Now my sky turns grey
My hands are always cold
My ears go numb
My soul
Goes numb
It's not like the typical love song, like you might think when you read the lyrics. I guess what I was trying to say through this song is that all 10 years Tyler and I have known each other, I've always wanted to be his best friend, but I guess it's just as impossible to make someone be your best friend, as it is to stop all the rivers from flowing.
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| STOP!!! |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|07:53 pm] |
Okay, I talked to Tyler on the phone. God, will he ever STOP talking about Anna??!!! He cannot keep his damn mouth shut about his German exchange student. I don't know why it pisses me off so much, but it does. I know it sounds stupid and jelous and I hate this feeling I get when he talks about her. But I just cannot help it. On the phone today, he was counting the days until she comes. URGH! Just fucking STOP IT!!! I'm in a bad mood today, if you can't tell.
I want to disappear really bad. Last night I was thinking about how weird people are. You know, we all act in front of other people, and smile and pretend to like them, when really inside we don't like certain people. Then we go behind their backs and talk about them. You realize everyone does this!? I was thinking, what if everyone is just putting up a front when they talk to me? What if secretly everyone just gets together and talks about me behind my back? What if no one actually likes me? It just sort of creeped me out. I dunno...if I don't like someone, they can usually tell. I just can never tell if someone doesn't like me.
I don't want school to start! I don't want school to start! I DON'T WANT SCHOOL TO START!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| shiny stars |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|12:56 pm] |
Long time no write for me! There isn't really anything to write about.
Yesterday I was really hyper and just jumped and danced around my house all morning. In the afternoon Tyler came over and we had fun in the park.
Today I'm going to Value Village with my mom, cause everything is 50% off. I want to go with Alli and them, but my mom wants to go too cause we've both never been there. Plus we have other errands to do too.
I desperately have to practice saxophone. I have a lesson on Wednesday already!
Okay- there really isn't anything to write about. The past few months, I have totally felt my lesbian side coming through again. And the more I think about it, the more I really want a girlfriend again. Girls are sooo wonderful. Hehehe (blushes).
I love ya'll ♥ ♥ |
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| ??! |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|10:22 pm] |
Why does everybody bring up Interlochen all the time?? Don't they get how hard that is for me?? SHUT UP!!! Please, just shut up!
I want to go watch FRIENDS right now. And I need a hug. I wish someone would sit down and have a real wonderful conversation with me. As much as I don't want to talk about certain things and I keep pushing them away, I think it would be good to get them out. Swallowing your feelings about certain things is so much easier though. Like hateful or hurtful things, I would never want to say to people, yet I think and write them all the time.
I'm so terrible :(
Tomorrow the world should be rich with flavor of crazy dishes people bring to the party. And there should be sun, and lots of laughing. There should be hugging and kisses on the cheeks! There should be winks and smiles and running around screaming out of pure joy! I wish there could be champange. And for a few hours, I can hopefully forget about every crazy thing that is going on inside my head.
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| waiting for my party! |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|03:17 pm] |
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. yosemite t-shirt
2. awesome skirt that i found in my mom's goodwill pile
3. a cute toe ring
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. green tea
2. a huge coffee cup
3. ELLE magazines
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. publish a book
2. get thin
3. live in manhattan
THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. emotional
2. honest
3. fun...??
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. lazy
2. impatient
3. too emotional
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. eyes
2. lips
3. arms
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. stomach
2. legs
3. hips
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I'm bisexual
2. Why would I tell you?? lol
3. I hate dancing
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. that's stupid
2. no
3. i don't know
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. I like being at home
2.
3.
THREE SCREEN NAMES I HAVE HAD
1. ziska
2. smiling dog
3. (there have only been two!)
THREE FOODS I LOVE
1. sushi
2. sushi
3. and sushi!! ♥
THREE FAVORITE HANGOUTS
1. cafe paradiso
2. the park on sunny days
3. laura's house
THREE OBSESSIONS
1. paris hilton
2. sushi
3. my weight |
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| dark brown hair |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|11:08 am] |
I want to dye my hair. I wanted to dye it during the last few weeks of school before summer, but then I figured there is no point, if my hair is just gonna turn blond from all the sun. So I think I'll do it now. I want to dye it a darkish brown. Do you think that would look okay?
I've been sort of losing my shit these past few days. I dunno why. I guess I'm still freaked out about fall, and I'm not taking the fact that I'm not going to Interlochen very well I guess. I'm not really sure how to act anymore. I know people always say, just be yourself...but a lot of the time I don't know who I am. And how can I be someone whom I don't even know? I'm trying to be calm and cool about everything. But most of the time, spurts of energy pop out of me and I flip out. Either in a good way, or in a bad way. Yesterday it was in a good way...I am planning a party in the park with Alli. But other times the energy comes out in crazy proportions and dementions. Last night I couldn't sleep (again), and I started crying because I was remembering a conversation I had with Tyler earlier that day. Sometimes Tyler's way of talking so indifferently about everything makes me want to squeeze him and just squeeze all the emotions out of him. I know he has emotions, I have seen them...but he talks about things he cares about a lot, like they are nothing to him. I just want to get right up into his face and yell, "NO! That's not how it is!!! What is it you REALLY think??" I hate guys! I know girls are over-emotional sometimes, but at least you can tell if a girl liked your present. They'll either jump up and scream for joy and hug you a whole bunch, or they'll just look at it and make a weird face.
It's raining and my feet and hands are cold. I'm gonna take a creative writing class at LCC. Short stories.
Tomorrow I have my first saxophone lesson since I got back. I really want to learn the Cello Suite No. 3 in C major by J.S. Bach!!! I'm not sure they have it for saxophones though...
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| comment please |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|12:31 pm] |
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Hey- no one commented on my last post. I would really love people's views on what I wrote. I'm very interested in other people's opinions and thoughts on the subject. |
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franziska3's journal